My dreams were shattered

The day my dreams were shattered

When I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at age 9, I somehow knew my live will go on - this was not going to stop me.....I couldn't have been more wrong.

High school was hell for me and finally when it was over I chose to go and study for a photographer - but that never happened. the college I chose only had the course in another town (only about an hour away from home). But dad said no way I am moving out - BECAUSE OF MY DIABETES!

And that was the day my dreams were shattered and here I am age 24, still living at home - selling avon and honey from home, no decent job, no drivers licence, no friends, no boyfriend....just shattered dreams - BECAUSE OF DIABETES!

To all the parents of diabetic kids PLEASE don't shatter their dreams - let them go out and live their live. Don't let this disease take away their dreams too.....

Happy diaversary

Dear diabetes

Today is our 14th diaversary.
A few things i want to say...

Firstly, i am sorry for ignoring you the last few months, ok years.
I realize that the problems you have been giving me must have been a cry for attention, I neglected you.

I promise from now on i will be paying you more attention and be taking better care of you. But in return i will be expecting no more acting out from you,

So that is it then, both of us will be working on a better relationship between us.

P.S thanks for not killing me in the past 14years.

Things i hate about diabetes

THINGS I HATE ABOUT DIABETES

* not being able to eat what i want when i want
* not being able to lose weight
* not going to universay
* having to live with my parents (i don't hate my parents - but i would love to have my own place
* going to doctors appointments
* being afraid of going to bed at night (dead in bed syndrome)
* never really being alone
* AND being alone
* scar tissue
* finger pricks
* big handbags
* eating every 2-3 hours
* not getting drunk and careless with friends
* not having friends
* not having a job
hospitals
* hypos
* highs
having to explain that diabetics CAN eat sugar
* being asked constantly "did you test" or "did you eat" You will never guess, but having diabetes for 14years now, i think i will remember to eat

I decided it is time to tell you about something that i am kind of ashamed about...
making myself sick to lose weight.
When i was in gr8 i stopped taking my insulin - but not so i would lose weight.
I just was sick ofinjections, tests. I didn't want my newteachers or friends to know i was a diabetic - and being skinny was just a bonus for a high school girl trying to fit in.

Then one afternoon on a dr Phil show they had a girl with diabulimia...this scared me, it was what i was doing i just didn't now it.
so after that i started taking my shots again right?
Wrong! Easier said than done.
Weight loss was a thrill ride for me, and i didn't know how to get off. Soon i started making myself throw-up after eating. I was on cloud no9!

Then a friend caught me throwing up, she told a teacher and with my permission she told my mom who got me the right help.

I started taking shots again, but today when i look in the mirror and i remember how skinny i was - it hurts...i want to be that skinny girl again. Sometimes the risk of going blind or loosing kidney function doesn't scare me. But dying alone...that scares the shit out of me!

So now i am trying to get my sugars under contro, eat healthy and take my shots. Its not eaasy, i haven't told my parents about not taking shots, have to sort that out on my own, meaning i am not sure about how much insulin i need to take when. I'll start it off on 10 units before meals and see where it takes me. Checking sugars regularly to avoid hipos.

Didn't see my friend this week, she had other stuff to do, will properbly see her next week,
this gives me more time to prepare.
ft
My bg has been all over the place this last week - might be stressing out about seeing my high school friend.

 Went to visit my grandma yesterday, she has type 2 diabetes and understands me the best,  sad to know that she won't always be there. She is starting to forget things and getting things mixed up!

Almost didn't go to visit her. I was sick, could not eat anything. Drank bits of water and managed to drink meds for the nausea.
Still not feeling myself...will keep an eye on my bg, really don't want to end up in hosp.

To add to it all, it seems i have been suspended from twitter, not sure why but I have send them an enquiry, hope to sort it out soon, I feel lostwithout it - only why (other than facebook) that I keep intouch with my online diabetic friends.

Just watched the Oscar Pistorius case again, feel so bad for the guy. I truely believe he thought itwas an introdur he was shooting at - not his girlfriend. This got me wondering about diabetics in prision? Do they get special meals, the right meds and what happens when they have a hypo? Are they able to get sugar quicq enough?

Other news- I am considering an insulin pump!

so next week i'll be seeing one of my old matric friends - and i am scared as hell! I mean it was back then when there was rumors around school that i was pregnant. i was really sick back then...
gosh i really don't know. what if i am judged yet again!
This time for still living with my parents- not having a decent job. It's not that I don't want to work, I do.

A while back I had 2 health scares. once a fit because my body went into shock because of weight loss and then another 'manic' episode because of a hypo.
The above is the reasons why my parents just won't let me work!
I need my space, don't they realize that 1 day they won't be there and I'll have to take care of myself? How the hell am I gonna do that without a job, without money?
Thinking of this causes great panic and sleepless nights!

Feeling sick now, first thing first. get in shape before next friday when i'll be seeing my old friend...then...
Should perhaps mention my fears of not being able to take care of myself oneday, to my parents...little scared about what their reaction will be.

So i went shopping for clothes yesterday only to realize i am 2 pants sizes bigger! I hate what insulin does to me - makes me fat! Isn't it enough that i have to inject, test and eat healthy? Now i have to be fat too? give me a break here please God! I'm trying to be healthy, take my meds, can i atleast be skinny?!